10-09-2016, 11:18 AM
An important topic. Good choice for a serious piece. I've wanted to do the same thing, smash a guy's brains in for hitting a girl. I get it.
I agree with kolemath that the random rhyming does seem to give it a lighthearted feel, which I don't know if you're going for.
The line breaks feel random, and it reads like prose except for the occasional burst of strict rhyme.
In the end, the heart comes through, and that's the main thing.
Thanks for sharing,
Luke
I agree with kolemath that the random rhyming does seem to give it a lighthearted feel, which I don't know if you're going for.
The line breaks feel random, and it reads like prose except for the occasional burst of strict rhyme.
In the end, the heart comes through, and that's the main thing.
Thanks for sharing,
Luke
Meep meep.