Brave Spectator
#6
(09-29-2016, 05:53 AM)JSquareVlogs Wrote:  It’s easy to be brave from here
Because the mountains are miles away
And I’ve never carried a pack. I'm very, very, very minutely confused as to what pack is supposed to refer to here.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens. A very breathy line. It looks kinda weird on paper, but it works when read closely -- the length somewhat emphasizes the bathos. Since the one time I climbed a mountain I gave up a third of the way up, the best *memory* I have of mountains is Strauss, so that I read this as the speaker's mind climbing, but his body staying at the lower levels -- or his body climbing, but his true self being out of it. A cool stanza.
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed
By a fishing-pole. Shouldn't it be with? And yes, as earlier noted, fishing poles don't lasso (and aren't hyphenated, either), although I personally tolerate this.

I'll claw my way up that hill— It's a little weird, how the speaker seems to alternate between confidence (up that hill, to be brave from here) and the lack of it (claw/crawl, bravery stays behind, it's easy...because the mountains). I suppose that's how the emotions run, but even individual sentences (again, claw...up that hill) alternate, so it's a bit more inconsistent than I'd like.

A signal corps recruit, Comma unneeded.
Or some great uncoordinated beetle And now I'm seeing a local rhinoceros beetle upturned and screaming. It's adorable, and I'm just being ridiculous. A lovely line.
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator A capital T. I'm reading "brave spectator" to be ironic, and I suppose the next line supports that -- it echos "great dictator", which is a nice and timely but probably unconscious touch. Oh, and returning to the capital: might I suggest going the more modern route, and removing all the capitals from the first words of lines (bar those that start sentences) instead?
Trembling in the tree line.

Although, reading it again and again, "brave" feels a bit overused. The title definitely doesn't need it -- I bet there's something cleverer for that -- and perhaps the "brave" in the second stanza? Otherwise, lovely work.
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Messages In This Thread
Brave Spectator - by JSquareVlogs - 09-29-2016, 05:53 AM
RE: Brave Spectator - by Leanne - 09-29-2016, 08:27 AM
RE: Brave Spectator - by Achebe - 09-29-2016, 12:14 PM
RE: Brave Spectator - by Lizzie - 09-29-2016, 12:30 PM
RE: Brave Spectator - by just mercedes - 09-29-2016, 01:11 PM
RE: Brave Spectator - by RiverNotch - 09-29-2016, 10:07 PM
RE: Brave Spectator - by Todd - 09-29-2016, 11:15 PM
RE: Brave Spectator - by JSquareVlogs - 09-30-2016, 11:34 PM



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