The Eternal Sunset

[EarthwareVessel]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides (ebbs and flows?) not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;    (These lines are a little awkward. What are you trying to say?)
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, (This structure makes all of it run together)
[Delete and]if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would gladly do good a deed and temper vice today.
[Delete And]As muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades; (I like the way you wrote this part)
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run forth with all my will?

This is a pretty good poem. Definitely a good first draft! Be careful when trying to use old English, make sure you are sure how to use it and how to structure your poem to support it. *Old English comes with knowing how to use it*