09-23-2016, 07:15 AM
I'm piecing together, from your replies, that you intend this to be a metaphor about the passing of an elderly relative/mentor? If I struggle, I can fit this interpretation to the poem. I shouldn't have to struggle -- in a sonnet in particular, the metaphor should be clear and elegant rather than convoluted. It is a lyrical form, after all, not a puzzle box.
You might consider addressing the subject of the poem specifically, to set up your conceit, e.g.:
Goodbye, fair light of day, you’ll pass to other lands
Achebe has addressed most of the grammatical issues directly.
I feel this is missing the true star of a sonnet, the volta. There is no sense of a slow reveal and an "aha!" moment, nor is there any problem/solution, question/answer setup, so it essentially becomes 12 lines with a bit of a summary. Again, this would be addressed by clarifying your central metaphor. "son of sun" I find rather contrived and somewhat confusing, as there's been no male entry into the poem prior to this. All I can think of is that it's a paternal grandmother you're addressing. Alternatively, perhaps the entire poem is intended to be addressing this woman's son in consolation. This is not the kind of pleasant ambiguity I would prefer from multiple possible meanings in poetry, as it seems from your replies that you have a specific meaning in mind.
Again, I stress that this is mild critique and not workshopping; I expect, from the certainty of your replies, that you are able to edit this satisfactorily yourself. It may be that you are quite satisfied with it as it is, and as you are the only one familiar with your intent, I leave this up to you to do with as you will.
You might consider addressing the subject of the poem specifically, to set up your conceit, e.g.:
Goodbye, fair light of day, you’ll pass to other lands
Achebe has addressed most of the grammatical issues directly.
I feel this is missing the true star of a sonnet, the volta. There is no sense of a slow reveal and an "aha!" moment, nor is there any problem/solution, question/answer setup, so it essentially becomes 12 lines with a bit of a summary. Again, this would be addressed by clarifying your central metaphor. "son of sun" I find rather contrived and somewhat confusing, as there's been no male entry into the poem prior to this. All I can think of is that it's a paternal grandmother you're addressing. Alternatively, perhaps the entire poem is intended to be addressing this woman's son in consolation. This is not the kind of pleasant ambiguity I would prefer from multiple possible meanings in poetry, as it seems from your replies that you have a specific meaning in mind.
Again, I stress that this is mild critique and not workshopping; I expect, from the certainty of your replies, that you are able to edit this satisfactorily yourself. It may be that you are quite satisfied with it as it is, and as you are the only one familiar with your intent, I leave this up to you to do with as you will.
It could be worse