Goodbye Kiss

[crimsonqueen]

Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s end
To shine most bright in final warmth upon cold hands 
As fair as noon or more, still smiles to those who wend...can light of day shine as fair as noon? aren't the same thing? 'wend' needs to have a destination specified.

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ash of burnt out sun to place of night ..missing article
Where favored tree she’d seen arise from neath the ground ....doesn't make sense
Who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height...nor this

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls the beauty light above, with warmth, would breed ...'beauteous'. what would breed...the light?
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew ...missing article.
And soil is barren now with none to nurse the seed ... seeds don't need the sun. they need water, which is there, albeit frozen.

Yet son of sun look up and turn your cheek to sky ...missing article
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye

Final warmth = twilight, in other words. Twilight is as fair as noon. A mother is as beautiful in old age as she is in youth.

Perhaps, lol.

How is this nonsensical? It might need to be rewritten but how can you not see the thought there? She's going to a dark place to see a favorite tree that she saw rise from under the ground. A son that she'd seen born. If I were to rewrite it, I'd keep the idea intact because it's my favorite in the whole poem.

Again..how does it not make sense? You can say it's too fragmented..I'll take that criticism and maybe even agree..but nonsensical? If I wrote..."Who by her light grew tall and by her example neared her height" it would make sense. I don't see how you're not understanding what that means.

The next does need rewritten. What it intends to say is "The tree recalls the beauty that light above created with its warmth"..I'm open to suggestions how to write that in a way that satisfies rhyme and meter..otherwise, it's certainly noted

Fair

Fair again. There's still a connection obviously between seeds and sunlight..in terms of growth. But maybe a phase is missing inbetween. As for frozen water, in that sense you are taking the metaphor farther than necessary. In my opinion.

Fair

I hope this doesn't sound pointed..I appreciate your thoughts <3 I will work with the thingsyou said

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Hope you both know I appreciate the help! Here is an edited version..still not there..maybe closer?

"Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s rim
She shines most bright in final warmth upon cold hands
As fair as noon or more, she smiles and then turns dim

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ashes of the sun away, in flight
To find her favored tree, that she'd seen rise from under ground
That, by her light's example, grew to near her height

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls how in his youth, she charmed him from his seed
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew
Without her heat, the now cold soil cannot breed


Son of Sun, turn your pale cheek up toward the sky
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye"