09-23-2016, 05:23 AM
Hi CQ, it's always nice to see a sonnet. There are many things to like here and the first is the meter -- it took me a minute to get my rhythm on for the hexameter but you continue it well throughout and it's a nice strong frame for your words. There are some clever tricks and turns of phrase, like "should wind be kind", and I really like "the willow weeps against the breeze that passes through".
The one thing that makes this an awkward read for me is the inconsistent use of articles. The whole thing is quite abbreviated, grammar-wise, and there's no real reason to do that. Once or twice might be ok, but after a while it reads as though you're jamming your words in to fit meter and rhyme, when the opposite really should be true. The rhyme shouldn't dictate the words you choose -- if they don't work, change the rhyme. Sometimes it becomes a little nonsensical, like you're trying to just fit too many ideas into 14 little lines, e.g. "who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height". Lesson? This just comes out of the blue.
There is nothing wrong with elevating your language in poetry but you do have to be careful that you're not alienating your readers when you do so. For example, "those who wend" -- wend where? Wend isn't really an action, it's more of a specific way to perform an action, like screwing. (Well, not like screwing per se, but the action is not dissimilar -- you have to screw something, just as you have to wend through or along something.)
Now, this is mild critique so I won't go into too much detail. I think there's a sweet sonnet here that's presently losing direction via unclear grammar and too many ideas. I'd love to see you find the thread that means the most here and tease it out.
The one thing that makes this an awkward read for me is the inconsistent use of articles. The whole thing is quite abbreviated, grammar-wise, and there's no real reason to do that. Once or twice might be ok, but after a while it reads as though you're jamming your words in to fit meter and rhyme, when the opposite really should be true. The rhyme shouldn't dictate the words you choose -- if they don't work, change the rhyme. Sometimes it becomes a little nonsensical, like you're trying to just fit too many ideas into 14 little lines, e.g. "who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height". Lesson? This just comes out of the blue.
There is nothing wrong with elevating your language in poetry but you do have to be careful that you're not alienating your readers when you do so. For example, "those who wend" -- wend where? Wend isn't really an action, it's more of a specific way to perform an action, like screwing. (Well, not like screwing per se, but the action is not dissimilar -- you have to screw something, just as you have to wend through or along something.)
Now, this is mild critique so I won't go into too much detail. I think there's a sweet sonnet here that's presently losing direction via unclear grammar and too many ideas. I'd love to see you find the thread that means the most here and tease it out.
It could be worse