09-23-2016, 03:46 AM
I like the premise but feel there is so much missing between the first and final stanza..as another poster said, there's no transition between tense shifts. You need to develop the poem and work up to a finale. It feels blunt and curt..you still feel the longing but it's absent profundity.
I also feel like there could be more uniformity in line length..but that's probably personal style. I don't write much in free verse but I know you need to be careful not sound meandering or disjointed.
I think you need to find your focus. I get the feeling it's about..pursuing upward mobility but missing the simplicity of times gone by? If so, tell us that..develop a contrast between now and then. There's definite potential and you're telling a very identifiable narrative.
I also feel like there could be more uniformity in line length..but that's probably personal style. I don't write much in free verse but I know you need to be careful not sound meandering or disjointed.
I think you need to find your focus. I get the feeling it's about..pursuing upward mobility but missing the simplicity of times gone by? If so, tell us that..develop a contrast between now and then. There's definite potential and you're telling a very identifiable narrative.