Lilac Sky

[crimsonqueen]

Hi crimson - iambic heptameter + terza rima is an interesting combo. I'm not a big fan, but it's a worthwhile experiment.
Some sugguestions below

I will work with the first one

For the next..it isn't a literal heart, of course. It's someone torn between longing to be at the bottom of the lake (breathless) and at the surface with the people she loves.


That's the stanza I'm least happy with..I reworked it a bit. Also, that's a metaphor for a cage, of course. It's a mental one, obviously. The bars have faded...things have gotten better over time..but the concept of being trapped feels eternally present.

It's a metaphor, sure, but a metaphor works well if it works literally as well. So while a heart sinking to the bottom of the lake is fine, it becoming 'breathless' suddenly anthropomorphises it. It is possible, but while I had in mind he image of a stone sinking to the bottom, now it's a cartoon heart with eyes and ears. If you want to avoid that, you could say 'Still half of me would...' instead of 'still half my heart'.
Likewise with the cage. Literally, you can't bend a cage with wailing. So metaphorically, you shouldn't be able to bend a cage with wailing either. However you can bend the bars of the metaphorical mental cage by metaphorically pushing at the bars with desperation or something like that.

Good luck.

Hmm food for thought! I think you and I are interpreting the line differently..but I will play around with it, thank you.

Also..I changed the part about the bars