09-21-2016, 01:32 PM
The first stanza..I love. Very visceral and meaningful. You cut to the heart of the meaning in a powerful way.
The first half of the second is good..but you lost me at the third line..it reads as fragmented. Like you're trying to fit in more thoughts than the line can really contain. I question what the next two lines are saying..they seem to not really hit home any point. Though I'm sure there is one in your mind..you aren't expressing it as well as you might. Overall this stanza doesn't come together as cohesive.
No comma needed between "more" and "than". I dunno how "are as an" sounds..might change that a bit.
I like your poem, all around. You're a good writer and it was a fun read!
The first half of the second is good..but you lost me at the third line..it reads as fragmented. Like you're trying to fit in more thoughts than the line can really contain. I question what the next two lines are saying..they seem to not really hit home any point. Though I'm sure there is one in your mind..you aren't expressing it as well as you might. Overall this stanza doesn't come together as cohesive.
No comma needed between "more" and "than". I dunno how "are as an" sounds..might change that a bit.
I like your poem, all around. You're a good writer and it was a fun read!