09-17-2016, 05:49 PM
(09-16-2016, 08:42 PM)kolemath Wrote: Mind Your BusinessI'm not sure who DA is, it's probably really obvious and I'll feel stupid. I like the poem.
Rush-hour intersection, red light, cars stop. I don't think "cars stop" is necessary, red light says as much.
Old or middle-aged beat man stands, I think your further description of the man makes "beat" obsolete.
clothes in tatters, transparent threads,
unfolds cardboard literature, I like this line.
eyes glazed to beg in black letters to the blue and white I like the line break, it makes me picture the sky.
collar drivers on cell phones, air conditioning. You could add somethibg before air conditioning, as it is it sort of seems like the drivers are "on air conditioning".
He signs between the lines of cars,
murmuring troll or father, thirst.
Ladies lock their doors. Men look the other way I'd change the period here to a comma, it's all one thought.
until the light turns green and cars drive away.
just now witnessing some influence from DA. pesky subconscious..