09-16-2016, 09:46 PM
[quote='dukealien' pid='215807' dateline='1472823673']
the edit is strong; i'm only confused about one line
Unmet
Edit 3
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant this is a long sentence, nearly half the poem, with many nouns competing for the sentence's meaning. most of it works for me, until glasses suggest. this seems out of place in the sentence, as the cane seems to first suggest, to my reading.
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
the edit is strong; i'm only confused about one line
Unmet
Edit 3
While sidewalk-biking home I met a man
or did not meet - the man I saw was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step aligned
by touch unless his sidling pace outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant
dark glasses first suggested. Adamant this is a long sentence, nearly half the poem, with many nouns competing for the sentence's meaning. most of it works for me, until glasses suggest. this seems out of place in the sentence, as the cane seems to first suggest, to my reading.
he scuttled, grim-set jaw rejecting pain.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet?
Thanks to this Forum
