"it rises us as well
somehow, this line doesn't speak as cleanly as its sisters."
Yes, you're right, but I can't seem to convince myself to let go of its "r", "l" alliteration
with the lines above and the "w" with the line below
"the oven with it's hot
with its hot or with its heat or did the speaker break? but the
speaker break just looks clumsy, if intended. otherwise, enhances the wavy nature of the piece."
Oops, that "hot" got left in from a previous version. I'm am SO gonna change it to "glow".
Thanks for pointing that out.
"its stickiness
not sure if at this stage of the kneading, it should still be sticky, though."
Picky, picky, picky - and while mine might actually have reverted to stickiness because I added
too much applesauce (i use it instead of water a lot of the time), you are indeed chronologically
right. So I've changed it to "its feel" -- thanks.
"we've stood here
stop waiting, you'll waste the dough."
You have no idea how much dough I've wasted... but I usually plow it back into some form of
fault tolerant bread, one that doesn't pride itself on rising -- like farmer's rye or flatbread.
"the language of the cook
feels like the cook, the chef, is God, and the bakers are his children --
or perhaps God manifested in the human impulse to love, that is love both ways, the hallowed
union of the Church and Christ and the carnal union of the Christ and church."
Uh, yes, I obviously (in my muti-layered genius) intended all of that.
But if it's an allusion you want, I'd say it's a reference, an homage to the Greek Goddess Hestia --
she of family/home/hearth/cooking... and sacrificial alters! (My burnt offerings of bread that I
screwed up because I didn't hear my timer ding.)
"the window and its
and then another strange break -- hmmm....
breath much cooler now"
Yes, that line should probably be "the window and its breath", but I couldn't resist the hesitation
before "breath" because it connects the reader's breath with the poem's -- kinda kitschy really,
but as long as no one notices, it works... damn, you noticed... well, most people aren't you so I think
I can get away with it.
"and the timer dings
though wasn't it already dinging in "the oven and the dinging time"? the
inconsistency feels awful -- perhaps the earlier line, instead of dinging, should be, say, ticking?"
the oven and the dinging time
that must be answered
I ignore "ticks", but I answer dings and my timer gets reset and dings a fair bit as I need reminders
-- ADHD-like and all
. And anyway: "ticking time" has been used so many times (always reminds me
of "ticking time-bomb). Putting "not really that dried cherries" in bread can simulate this.
BUT! Just to make you happy, I changed line 6 from "in clicks and dings" to "in ticks and dings"
"and our bread awaits
somehow, i envision a curious blend of an old, old couple tallying every
little detail (repetitively, as if to emphasize not the actual things, but what they represent --
rather, how they feel, if things could truly love), and a fresh, fresh couple getting ready (even
already in the process of, considering all this heat) to create/creating a child. it's kinda sweet --
perhaps the old couple is possessing their younger selves, inflecting experienced memories into
new, momentous ecstasies. it still doesn't feel like it's entirely my kind of piece, but eh, lovely
nevertheless."
And uh, yes again, every bit of that was intentional.
Though a couple who's loved to bake bread,
often together, all their lives is totally intentional as that's what I was basing it on -- about their
journey through time -- as it's autobiographically about wife/me. We're not that young at the moment
(together over 40 years -- but it gets easier after a while because you learn to ignore the fact that
your spouse is the most irritating person on earth).
