Our Love is Anywhere *second edit*

[operadiva]

Here is my latest edit. I got a lot of good feedback since my edit, and I wanted to show that I took it heart. I did my best to incorporate the advice. The goal was: Cut the unnecessary repetition, try to get rid of some cliches, and i did my best to make it more rhythmic but I'm not usually one to count syllables on every line. The opera singer in me finds a way to make it sound rhythmic in my head no matter what I write. Let me know if you all like the changes!

***Second Edit***

Watching shadows cast by clouds
dance on jagged mountains.
Feeling warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
Being the cards you count on
when only desperation remains.
 
Sleeping with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
Treasuring paint and canvas
that looks back with earnest eyes.
The soft song you hear
drifting from dream to dream
 
Learning a foreign tongue,
finding new ways to share our love.
Changing our names and traveling,
our true identities our secret.
My only truth is you,
and my only lie an end.
 
Barely making ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
Living off of ramen noodles,
your warmth is all I need.
Dumpster diving every Sunday,
I’m willing to take that leap.
 
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked, bodies touching.
I want to be wherever you are.
because together we are unlimited.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying next to mine.
 
Love is wherever we are.


***First Edit***

I want to watch shadows cast by clouds
dance on colossal mountains.
I want to feel warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.
 
I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream
 
I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.
 
I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because your warmth is all I need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m prepared to take that leap.
 
I want our love up close and personal,
our eyes locked and bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together we are infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
when your heart isn’t lying in bed next to mine.
 
Love is wherever we are.

*****Original*****

I want to watch the shadows cast by clouds 
dance on the mountains.
I want to feel the warm wind on my skin
like your soft exhale on my neck.
I want to be the cards you count on
when desperation is all that remains.

I want to sleep with the lights on
because our love never sleeps.
I want to treasure the paint and canvas
that looks back at me with honest eyes.
I want to be the soft song you hear
as you drift from dream to dream

I want to learn a foreign tongue,
to find another way to share our love.
I want to change our names and travel,
our true identities could be our secret.
I want my only truth to be you,
and my only lie to be an end.

I want to barely make ends meet,
counting quarters from the couch.
I want to live off of ramen noodles,
because warmth is all I really need.
I want to dumpster dive every Sunday,
I’m ready to take that leap, with you

I want our love to be up close and personal,
our eyes locked and our bodies touching.
I want to be where you are, wherever you are.
because when we are together I feel infinite.
But I will love you from the greatest distance,
because your heart never seems to be very far.

Love is wherever we are.

***Your advice is always appreciated! Thank you for your time and energy.