09-13-2016, 03:51 AM
Supermoon and Mars
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup this sentence doesnt seem to flow like the rest because of 'there is no life'. Maybe a comma here?
there is no life. There are no stars
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo This is my favorite sentence, nice use of hoodoo and jars
between the Supermoon and Mars.
And daddies don’t pass out cigars I really dont like starting a sentence with 'and' but i hear the rhythm. daddies seems too informal unscientific
to celebrate a salty stew. stew, i feel like you wrote out all these rhymes, and picked the most eccentric
There is no life, there are no stars
to light the way that hubris bars, hubris bars is great i will remember this line
or propagate the me in you. but i dont understand this line, i feel like its either the most or the least important, and the rest of the poem doesnt tell me which
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.
i love this style, im really terrible about splitting sentences up like this and envy other's use of punctuation, good good job
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup this sentence doesnt seem to flow like the rest because of 'there is no life'. Maybe a comma here?
there is no life. There are no stars
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo This is my favorite sentence, nice use of hoodoo and jars
between the Supermoon and Mars.
And daddies don’t pass out cigars I really dont like starting a sentence with 'and' but i hear the rhythm. daddies seems too informal unscientific
to celebrate a salty stew. stew, i feel like you wrote out all these rhymes, and picked the most eccentric
There is no life, there are no stars
to light the way that hubris bars, hubris bars is great i will remember this line
or propagate the me in you. but i dont understand this line, i feel like its either the most or the least important, and the rest of the poem doesnt tell me which
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.
i love this style, im really terrible about splitting sentences up like this and envy other's use of punctuation, good good job
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches