09-12-2016, 10:49 AM
The 'White Middle Sea' prompted me to check out Syria's borders, so thanks for that.
I like how you've described this particular scene without lapsing into sentimentality, and particularly:
He reaches up to wipe some off
His face and his hand
comes back red and grey.
I would have liked it better if you'd ended on 'rainbow worldwide' and changed the line above to 'and will/ broadcast...' to change the meaning slightly (the world sees 'peace: rebel stronghold hit'. The reality being different. Or at least, that is one of the possible meanings.
The final strophe is repetitive.
I also think that the line breaks do not correspond to natural pauses. An example being:
His tears were snatched
Away with the green
Fields and white
Sands of Aleppo.
His tears were snatched away / with the green fields, and white / sands of Aleppo OR His tears were snatched / away with the green / fields and white sands / of Aleppo are more natural.
Also note that you can't 'snatch' tears, so 'wipe' may be more apt.
I like how you've described this particular scene without lapsing into sentimentality, and particularly:
He reaches up to wipe some off
His face and his hand
comes back red and grey.
I would have liked it better if you'd ended on 'rainbow worldwide' and changed the line above to 'and will/ broadcast...' to change the meaning slightly (the world sees 'peace: rebel stronghold hit'. The reality being different. Or at least, that is one of the possible meanings.
The final strophe is repetitive.
I also think that the line breaks do not correspond to natural pauses. An example being:
His tears were snatched
Away with the green
Fields and white
Sands of Aleppo.
His tears were snatched away / with the green fields, and white / sands of Aleppo OR His tears were snatched / away with the green / fields and white sands / of Aleppo are more natural.
Also note that you can't 'snatch' tears, so 'wipe' may be more apt.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe