09-12-2016, 02:20 AM
Hi 
Interesting poem.
This bit "shattering the otherwise functioning reflection" the words otherwise and functioning seem a tad off. I think you're trying to say that you are angry that it embodies your state of being, "otherwise" isn't needed because except in its quality of undesirability or unworthiness I doubt you are feeling to resemble a trash can. Maybe something along the lines of "shattering the honest (or taunting) reflection."
This sentence was a little messy, maybe cleaned up could read:
My Will bends like the feeble blades of grass that I
run my shaking hands through in an empty park.
The word "when" better conveys the cause and effect:
My palms sweat when I fail to recognize the back of my hand and its dark blue veins.
I like this. I think it evokes a good sense of tranquility in nature and the disappointment when it's disturbed again by the chaos of a city. Not sure I like the use of the word "woods" though. Is it a park or a woods? I got an image of a park, maybe playground, but woods makes me think on a much grander sCale of the nature you are experiencing. Or maybe I've just never been to thst kind of park
My Heart stops at the hard edge of the
woods where Nothing meets Everything.
My knees buckle and I fall before the
proud oaks I have nothing in common with.
I like the message conveyed in the ending. But I don't think I care for the restaurant analogy. It seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe you can talk about its quality of staleness in comparison to your vibrant outdoors experience. Maybe your face "twinges to express the right emotion, only to smile timidly at the danger of extinction?"
Overall the poem evoked a strong feeling of discontent and existential crisis that I identify with. So I really enjoyed it!! But I think you could choose some stronger words to even better resonate with your reader <3
Interesting poem.
This bit "shattering the otherwise functioning reflection" the words otherwise and functioning seem a tad off. I think you're trying to say that you are angry that it embodies your state of being, "otherwise" isn't needed because except in its quality of undesirability or unworthiness I doubt you are feeling to resemble a trash can. Maybe something along the lines of "shattering the honest (or taunting) reflection."
This sentence was a little messy, maybe cleaned up could read:
My Will bends like the feeble blades of grass that I
run my shaking hands through in an empty park.
The word "when" better conveys the cause and effect:
My palms sweat when I fail to recognize the back of my hand and its dark blue veins.
I like this. I think it evokes a good sense of tranquility in nature and the disappointment when it's disturbed again by the chaos of a city. Not sure I like the use of the word "woods" though. Is it a park or a woods? I got an image of a park, maybe playground, but woods makes me think on a much grander sCale of the nature you are experiencing. Or maybe I've just never been to thst kind of park
My Heart stops at the hard edge of the
woods where Nothing meets Everything.
My knees buckle and I fall before the
proud oaks I have nothing in common with.
I like the message conveyed in the ending. But I don't think I care for the restaurant analogy. It seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe you can talk about its quality of staleness in comparison to your vibrant outdoors experience. Maybe your face "twinges to express the right emotion, only to smile timidly at the danger of extinction?"
Overall the poem evoked a strong feeling of discontent and existential crisis that I identify with. So I really enjoyed it!! But I think you could choose some stronger words to even better resonate with your reader <3
(09-11-2016, 11:56 PM)operadiva Wrote: Sunday Walks
My Thoughts aren’t worth the cracks in
the pavement I drag my feet across.
My heels scraping against the small rocks
that have rolled into my static path
My Emotions find a mirror sitting at the
top of a garbage can overflowing with bullshit.
My arm can’t help but launch a nearby
stone, shattering the otherwise functioning reflection.
My Will bends like the feeble blades of grass I
run my shaking hands through in a park by myself.
My palms sweat as I fail to recognize the
back of my hand and its dark blue veins.
My Heart stops at the hard edge of the
woods where Nothing meets Everything.
My knees buckle and I fall before the
proud oaks I have nothing in common with.
My Sorrow is like the slow roll of a single
bead of sap down a wounded tree.
My eyes can barely perceive the subtle motion
as gravity consumes both time and space.
My Reality meets me at the door to my
apartment like a cool draft in an empty restaurant.
My face searches for the right reaction, only
to settle with on a smile in danger of extinction.
"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." - David Carradine