09-11-2016, 08:58 AM
[quote='rhymeguy' pid='212588' dateline='1466896117']
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies. Love this
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly. i like this a lot, as well
Overall, I don't know what the goal is. I feel like more words could have been used to help describe things better. It was just too thin for me, and for what i wanted from the poem. As the reader, i am just too confused about what is happening and to whom.
thank you for your time and energy
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
I just don't like the use of 'frigid'. It doesn't help set up a clear scene. I understand the hot/cold, but i don't think that flowers really thrive in a frigid landscape. there are probably more flowers in a desert.
Gone are the gentle lilies. Love this
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly. i like this a lot, as well
Overall, I don't know what the goal is. I feel like more words could have been used to help describe things better. It was just too thin for me, and for what i wanted from the poem. As the reader, i am just too confused about what is happening and to whom.
thank you for your time and energy
Thank you for your time and energy. If you have any thoughts, please let me know.