09-05-2016, 06:35 PM
Hey, Kole 
I agree with Dale that there's just too much repetition. I think you were maybe trying to recreate the endless procession of the waves coming toward you, but I don't think that using the same words over and over is serving you well. It becomes bland very, very quickly.
I saw in another forum that you're trying to bring a little lightness to the poetry world by not focusing on bummer themes. I think this is noble, and also there needs to be SOME kind of drama that moves the reader through the narrative. I like the line "A shark could kill me from the view below of salty shadows." I think you really have something there, especially since it's placed next to such a blissful scene -- it really caught my attention.
For me, this poem is like a dish that has no depth of flavor, it's just all sweet. I need some kind of bitter, sour, spicy -- something to temper the sugar a bit.
Hope this helps some.
lizziep
I agree with Dale that there's just too much repetition. I think you were maybe trying to recreate the endless procession of the waves coming toward you, but I don't think that using the same words over and over is serving you well. It becomes bland very, very quickly.
I saw in another forum that you're trying to bring a little lightness to the poetry world by not focusing on bummer themes. I think this is noble, and also there needs to be SOME kind of drama that moves the reader through the narrative. I like the line "A shark could kill me from the view below of salty shadows." I think you really have something there, especially since it's placed next to such a blissful scene -- it really caught my attention.
For me, this poem is like a dish that has no depth of flavor, it's just all sweet. I need some kind of bitter, sour, spicy -- something to temper the sugar a bit.
Hope this helps some.
lizziep