09-04-2016, 02:25 AM
This is pretty cool.
(09-02-2016, 10:41 PM)dukealien Wrote: Unmet
This morning, riding home, I met a man -- I think you could play with the syntax here. Riding home in the commas makes the line less direct. Not sure if there is really a better solution though.
or, rather, did not meet - the man was blind.
He crabbed along, each twisting step a find
of solid sidewalk if his faith outran
the sweep and scrape of slender, questing cane
striped white and red, antenna of an ant -- I don't understand antenna of an ant. Could be just me.
his round, black glasses also served to slant
my thinking to; his face rejected pain. -- Consider using imagery before "his face rejected pain" that clearly supports the conclusion. What you have may be what you want to say, but I'm just offering hypothetical places to revise.
I hopped the curb and rode past in the street:
did he hear clicking sprocket, whispered tires
and make of us a pair of witting liars
who passed on by, pretending not to meet? -- I like the epiphany at the end. But what motive does this blind man have for thinking you ignored him? Like the poem, just offering food for thought.