09-02-2016, 04:39 PM
I adore the concept of leaves dropping in the hall, seasons taking place inside of a home...in a relationship how things change
You do a great job there of telling the story without telling it...leaving ambiguity is beautiful in poetry.
You tell too much by revealing too much about being drunk. You become to literal later in the work. It is too abrupt, always stick with the same delivery.
The poem begins sort of haunting and then becomes a stream of consciousness that is more like prose.
I would even get rid of the time...replace it with something else that could represent time
You do a great job there of telling the story without telling it...leaving ambiguity is beautiful in poetry.
You tell too much by revealing too much about being drunk. You become to literal later in the work. It is too abrupt, always stick with the same delivery.
The poem begins sort of haunting and then becomes a stream of consciousness that is more like prose.
I would even get rid of the time...replace it with something else that could represent time