Threshold

[artjewl]

Threshold 

Once, when she gave permission -- you can tighten to: "Once with her permission"
It was a vampire who dipped his toe -- "It" is a pronoun without an antecedent. Why not simply cut "It was" and "who"? --> "a vampire dipped* his toe" (*dipped, however, introduces a swimming/water metaphor, which I find distracting.)
across the threshold.
She smiles, unsuspecting. He stays- --you changed tenses. Decide if you want past or present when you revise.
because she can't make her mouth form the words
to make him go.
She dances like a snake for him -- Sometimes cutting "like" can make a world of difference. Commit to the image by saying "For him, she is a dancing snake" or "She dances for him, a snake" 
In one light on the dance floor --Are you describing a spotlight in these two lines? 
Deadly and beautiful, her eyes are shadowed, top lit
He doesn't need to see them to know her thoughts
Windows to the soul and all that--true, yes -- Be careful: "Windows to the soul" is a bit cliche.
But even sightless--there is touch
something electric in the fingertips
he drags along her collarbone.
Telling her things
Turning her on, telling her things --I don't find the repetion to be effective.
Watson, come here I need you
Breath like a stone, --Breath or Breathe?
Skipping

Is it her fault the vampire
finds her beautiful? Her fault she's 
Hooked by the way he hurts her?
Betrayal--in the eyes
A pebble down an empty well. --what is a pebble? is she? or is she the empty well?
There is no love in those eyes
green, roiling with a venom she can't expel
It turns counter-clockwise in the stomach
Wanting out, words pushing against the back of her teeth
But don't...but don't. Shh
His gentile fingers at her temples
blinders calm the filly- --be wary of mixing too many metaphors. She was a snake a moment ago; now she is a horse; in the next line, she's a drug for the junkie.
With his touch the junkie gets her fix
Somnolent pliable bliss
She holds his face like a loving cup
Precious,delicate
Forgiven, forgiven
Yes

Carousel 
So good, so up and down
She loves the ride, loves the thrill
Loves the thought
He curls his toes into her gray matter,
scans her thoughts from above
Highlights in neon, favorite secrets
Chuckling. While she is laid bare, just laid
Bleached like a bone in Arizona
well past death
But the memories of it were so good,
So up and down, she goes often
Pays willingly, digs deeply
Fingers clawing in her pockets
For the fare.

--Those last three lines! That image is excellent! I want to get to it sooner. In fact, I think the carousel metaphor is the strongest part of this piece. I'd love to see that taken and fleshed out a bit on its own, sticking strictly to that image.

Forgive me if this was a bit harsh for this forum. I'm still feeling things out.  For what it's worth, I'd like to see where you take this.