08-30-2016, 08:39 AM
(08-29-2016, 12:18 PM)SnarlingThroughOurSmiles Wrote: I crushed titansVery dynamic and imaginative, mixing mythologies. If anything, the closing line seems too limited: the speaker has made the universe, why speak of one galaxy? Enjoyable - suggestions are mild (forgive the sometimes imperative tone).
like glass in my hands
and flung their remains across the sky could perhaps do without "and" - maybe even "across the sky."
like confetti, set aflame. comma seems unnecessary
From their corpses,
I made the stars. could perhaps lose "the."
I painted the skies with the blood of could lose second "the" here?
beasts leviathan,
carved worlds out of unless repetition is important, could replace "out of" with "from"
their bones,
spun gravity out of but "out of" is perfect here
their tendons, these two lines are a wonderful conceit about gravity.
and
twisted wormholes out of perhaps "from" for "out of" again for variety and beat
their entrails.
I killed the Apollos,
reached down their throats and
ripped out fistfuls of line break here seems unnecessary
their breaths,
used them to burn the screams of
dying colossi,
and cast the embers asunder, could lose "and" and the comma here?
hurtling comets into the void.
I bought the oceans with Cronus’s dignity, another great conceit
flooded worlds with proof of his begging. this line mystifies me
I made the clouds with my laughter.
I swallowed a god and spat out a galaxy. or Cronus did (see below).
Hard to say about the title in mild. The usage which comes to mind is Oppenheimer about the first nuclear detonation, quoting Hindu scripture. Is the speaker fission, or the mind that came up with it? According to one source, the translation Oppenheimer used is poetically inexact: Vishnu actually became Time as well as Death (but still the Destroyer). Either way, your title has Death getting creative; might make an interesting turnabout to use Time, which both destroys and (according to reports from the usual unreliable sources) with the Big Bang and pulsing universe, creates as the viewpoint voice claims. And Time is also Cronus.
But title confusion aside, it's a good read which could be made an even better one with a little smoothing and refinement.
Non-practicing atheist

