08-27-2016, 02:08 AM
"The face's dual spark
Keeps a swift lark."
Good. Nice imagery of the nature of transience; however, the rest of the poems structure doesn't really follow this rhyming pattern--which can sound strange. This is especially obvious when it jump to the second verse:
"That flits between us:
To scratch an itch,"
It tries to keep the momentum, but comes off awkward. Then it transitions to...
"To give feelings to affirm
and break our prison walls."
It feels like it want to rhyme, or the reader expects it too, but the structure is too unsure of itself to be a coherent idea.
Keeps a swift lark."
Good. Nice imagery of the nature of transience; however, the rest of the poems structure doesn't really follow this rhyming pattern--which can sound strange. This is especially obvious when it jump to the second verse:
"That flits between us:
To scratch an itch,"
It tries to keep the momentum, but comes off awkward. Then it transitions to...
"To give feelings to affirm
and break our prison walls."
It feels like it want to rhyme, or the reader expects it too, but the structure is too unsure of itself to be a coherent idea.