08-21-2016, 06:23 PM
This is an interesting topic, and it could be great. It just needs a little work, in my opinion.
I'd make the “Busted" in stanzas 2 and 3 lines of there own. It seems there should be a pause between “Busted" and the next sentence, at least to me.
eric_never covered the “obfuscating the obvious" thing. Maybe “obscuring the obvious" instead?
“For what now is clear" This is just bad to read aloud.. Choppy and its not great grammar. Maybe switch the words around a bit? “For what is now clear", instead? If you did that on purpose, I get why.
That's all I have for critique.
I'd make the “Busted" in stanzas 2 and 3 lines of there own. It seems there should be a pause between “Busted" and the next sentence, at least to me.
eric_never covered the “obfuscating the obvious" thing. Maybe “obscuring the obvious" instead?
“For what now is clear" This is just bad to read aloud.. Choppy and its not great grammar. Maybe switch the words around a bit? “For what is now clear", instead? If you did that on purpose, I get why.
That's all I have for critique.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dustEdgy sayings
“Inspirational" stuff