08-20-2016, 11:27 AM
Edit #1
I have a precious picture - I like the repetition of the "p" sound here - it makes for a nice flow.
on my crowded shelf, - I like the imagery of a crowded shelf, but why have something precious on a shelf crowded with other things? Are all things on the shelf precious? If not, maybe the picture deserves its own space? As a reader, I got stuck there.
drawn by a former lover, -Here I like the "r" sounds. They give a droning quality that conveys sadness/missing which adds to the theme.
in which a crown
sits on my head, - This all reads a little prosey to me. I am conflicted about it, because I know where you are going, however, I keep looking for a little something...like a bite that lacks a little salt.
a king. - This was a good way to end the stanza - and that she was the one that put the crown there and made you a king...interesting. The power play (the subtext) is nice. Who is more powerful, the king or the one who makes the king? Obvious that you were more her subject than ruler.
I must study it, - This was confusing. Why "must" you? What will studying it yield?
keep it close like my phone, - This might be inconsistent with the first stanza where you keep it on a crowded shelf. I assume you keep your phone with you, on your person, most of the time - at least when you are out and about. You might want to adjust one or the other - and I would lose the crowded shelf. I also think the sonics in this line are much better than the previous shelf line.
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation - I like that you put "cordial" invitation. It is dialectic to everything else in the poem, and it resonates.
to the dance where we shared our last kiss. - Again, as a matter of taste, a little one the prosey side for me. You have already acknowledged the cliche evident here.
You, having parted from my side, - Here, I wondered if there was ever a side by side thing going on. Clearly, she was the kingmaker. From what you have written in the poem, she seems to have kept you a step or two behind her.
prefer to erase that past. - Again, prosey and cliche.
It was fun to read, and the subject resonates with everyone.
One more quick thought - To make this more accessible, change the first and second person singular pronouns to third person. We all become observers together, and it removes the self indulgent quality that always accompanies poems about "I" and "you".
I have a precious picture - I like the repetition of the "p" sound here - it makes for a nice flow.
on my crowded shelf, - I like the imagery of a crowded shelf, but why have something precious on a shelf crowded with other things? Are all things on the shelf precious? If not, maybe the picture deserves its own space? As a reader, I got stuck there.
drawn by a former lover, -Here I like the "r" sounds. They give a droning quality that conveys sadness/missing which adds to the theme.
in which a crown
sits on my head, - This all reads a little prosey to me. I am conflicted about it, because I know where you are going, however, I keep looking for a little something...like a bite that lacks a little salt.
a king. - This was a good way to end the stanza - and that she was the one that put the crown there and made you a king...interesting. The power play (the subtext) is nice. Who is more powerful, the king or the one who makes the king? Obvious that you were more her subject than ruler.
I must study it, - This was confusing. Why "must" you? What will studying it yield?
keep it close like my phone, - This might be inconsistent with the first stanza where you keep it on a crowded shelf. I assume you keep your phone with you, on your person, most of the time - at least when you are out and about. You might want to adjust one or the other - and I would lose the crowded shelf. I also think the sonics in this line are much better than the previous shelf line.
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation - I like that you put "cordial" invitation. It is dialectic to everything else in the poem, and it resonates.
to the dance where we shared our last kiss. - Again, as a matter of taste, a little one the prosey side for me. You have already acknowledged the cliche evident here.
You, having parted from my side, - Here, I wondered if there was ever a side by side thing going on. Clearly, she was the kingmaker. From what you have written in the poem, she seems to have kept you a step or two behind her.
prefer to erase that past. - Again, prosey and cliche.
It was fun to read, and the subject resonates with everyone.
One more quick thought - To make this more accessible, change the first and second person singular pronouns to third person. We all become observers together, and it removes the self indulgent quality that always accompanies poems about "I" and "you".