08-19-2016, 11:38 AM
@lizziep
I'm not sure I have enough reason to exclude the word "precious" yet, as it places something slightly more than a sentimental value on the object. I guess I want to put more emphasis on the physical-ness of the picture, rather than just an image.
The shelf is crowded, yes. What is on it? Stuff. Did I have to squeeze stuff out? It would certainly seem like it.
"like I was a king" could work. Less wordy than the original, while mostly preserving the intention (certainly more than ellajam's suggestion, which I have since moved away from).
The cordial invitation was a forced image, but I liked the meaning of the words, so I had to keep it.
As far as the last kiss goes, it's a shameless cliche for me, regarding this particular subject, as the relationship being discussed was really not very unique.
And for the word erase, I don't know. I like writing in circles and semicircles sometimes, so that seemed to be a proper counteraction to the drawing of the picture. Definitely a part to look over in future revisits, however. My main goal when I do revisit this, however, is trimming and compression.
I'm not sure I have enough reason to exclude the word "precious" yet, as it places something slightly more than a sentimental value on the object. I guess I want to put more emphasis on the physical-ness of the picture, rather than just an image.
The shelf is crowded, yes. What is on it? Stuff. Did I have to squeeze stuff out? It would certainly seem like it.
"like I was a king" could work. Less wordy than the original, while mostly preserving the intention (certainly more than ellajam's suggestion, which I have since moved away from).
The cordial invitation was a forced image, but I liked the meaning of the words, so I had to keep it.
As far as the last kiss goes, it's a shameless cliche for me, regarding this particular subject, as the relationship being discussed was really not very unique.
And for the word erase, I don't know. I like writing in circles and semicircles sometimes, so that seemed to be a proper counteraction to the drawing of the picture. Definitely a part to look over in future revisits, however. My main goal when I do revisit this, however, is trimming and compression.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona