08-17-2016, 01:58 PM
Hi Corroboree, thanks for posting your poem. There are some elements that I thought were solid and provided interest. On the whole, however, I found it difficult to follow, because I just couldn't put images or meanings together. The beginning of the poem is so obscure that most readers will just give up right there. Try giving them something they can relate to first, then incorporate some of the more obscure images/ideas. Doing that might help give context to the reading and aid the reader in finding meaning and understanding. Your last stanza was the most approachable section of the poem, and the more I read it, the more I like it. The idea of contrast of stone and trees, the idea of what it is to breath free, the inclusion of the word "sacred" came together in a nice way. I look forward to your edit.
(08-06-2016, 02:30 PM)poet-rice Wrote: Corroboree
<> petrichor glance
moves flux dead ochre in
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.
should hurt rose quartz crevices
cleft initials
in veined streams
for now ardent soil?
where conflict lead oil drops
to confines,
to break Memnon
wave rocks.
no, spoke fractures of
clay.
We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red,
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.