08-15-2016, 10:56 PM
quote='dukealien' pid='214823' dateline='1471120909']
Birds and Bees -- would change title. Birds and need is a cliche.
Hummingbirds, viridian, white-necked, -- seems like good color for the birds.
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries - can you condense this?
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl flowers, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
also sup on sugar sap - not sure about dip. Is this archaic?
hugging to (and sometimes entering)
yellow “bee-guard” screens.
When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns
than hummingbirds can manage
driving off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
And unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.
All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls -- like the "dogfight whirls"
around false flowers
hung for entertainment
yet provisioned with
real food.
[/quote]
Never seen birds and bees attempting to get nectar from fake flowers. Interesting concept with some interesting and exact description. I guess my critique would be to ask if you can condense and tighten up your description. Maybe you could also look for ways to use more specific words. For instance, what type of flowers? Lilacs or violets or something else specific maybe. Good luck. Hope you have something to work with when editing
Birds and Bees -- would change title. Birds and need is a cliche.
Hummingbirds, viridian, white-necked, -- seems like good color for the birds.
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries - can you condense this?
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl flowers, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
also sup on sugar sap - not sure about dip. Is this archaic?
hugging to (and sometimes entering)
yellow “bee-guard” screens.
When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns
than hummingbirds can manage
driving off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
And unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.
All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls -- like the "dogfight whirls"
around false flowers
hung for entertainment
yet provisioned with
real food.
Never seen birds and bees attempting to get nectar from fake flowers. Interesting concept with some interesting and exact description. I guess my critique would be to ask if you can condense and tighten up your description. Maybe you could also look for ways to use more specific words. For instance, what type of flowers? Lilacs or violets or something else specific maybe. Good luck. Hope you have something to work with when editing