08-13-2016, 12:25 AM
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow - I'm not sure what this means. Do the rays veil the glow of her nectar?
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle - I think I know what you're going for here but it could be tweaked. What has yet to grow? Nectar? I would also use another word other than dimness.
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern? - best line
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance - this isn't bad either though burgeoning and cheering are a little much together.
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance - confused though I do like "strained on the sinful".
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse - i like sable soaked nimbus
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth - like this too
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
I feel like there is a lot of interesting words here that are competing with each other. Maybe there's a way to create some contrast and let the words with more impact stand out.
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow - I'm not sure what this means. Do the rays veil the glow of her nectar?
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle - I think I know what you're going for here but it could be tweaked. What has yet to grow? Nectar? I would also use another word other than dimness.
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern? - best line
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance - this isn't bad either though burgeoning and cheering are a little much together.
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance - confused though I do like "strained on the sinful".
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse - i like sable soaked nimbus
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth - like this too
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
I feel like there is a lot of interesting words here that are competing with each other. Maybe there's a way to create some contrast and let the words with more impact stand out.