Corroboree

[wipmp]

I enjoyed reading your poem and see deep thought in it.  I agree with the previous review and think that you need to add context to the geology described to help the reader understand the intent of the poem.  I have had this same advice given to me lately and it really helped me to understand that what makes sense in my mind doesn't necessarily carry over to others.  It seems that you have a deep meaning to share through this poem but the intent is lost on me because I cannot follow the intended journey.



<> petrichor glance -- the way this is written it is difficult to follow what is meant.  While the word petrichor produces a vivid image of the scent of rain in the air it doesn't connect with me to followed by the word glance.

moves flux dead ochre in
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.  -- The way it is written this seems to be one thought or sentence but it is difficult for me to understand what it means and the same is true for many of the other lines in the poem.  It is difficult to tell where thoughts start and stop and how they are connected.


We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red,
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.  -- This is my favorite line in the poem, possibly because I is the only line that leads me to a complete picture that I can understand.  To me it means that once severed the tree is released through death.  Your intent for the poem could be entirely different from that but I could not follow the thoughts through enough to tell.