08-12-2016, 03:15 AM
This is an interesting poem about the clash of logic between people and nature, even if it can be as simple as raking around the bushes. Forgive me for not reading through every thread prior to commenting.
[quote='dukealien' pid='213527' dateline='1468501824']
Hailstorm
Edit3
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept why just after lunch? it doesn't seem to fit the theme of the poem and is distracting the more i read it
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn good sounds
along as though alive, formations kept. way to bring the images alive. i don't know how i feel about 'kept' but maybe i'm being too critical
A sentimental person might have wept good rhythm. this line reads very well, even if crying over the bushes is a bit far fetched
on seeing vivid, growing life a pawn i get the rhyme but pawn (though evoking the metaphorical warfare of chess) steps away from the image quite far. it's like a metaphor of a metaphor.
to hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn good noun+verb combo here
in fusillades and volleys while I slept. thesaurus consultation happened here i'd say
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store good double meaning in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band small nit: isn't the pile of leaves more tidy than before? so is untidy the best word?
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar good continuation of war metaphor, like nature is at war with itself and we try to pick up the pieces
or death-proud colors; widow-trees must cope. while i love the idea of widow trees, fresh green growth makes me think of children, not husbands, but there isn't a word for a parent who has lost a child is there
thanks for the read
[quote='dukealien' pid='213527' dateline='1468501824']
Hailstorm
Edit3
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept why just after lunch? it doesn't seem to fit the theme of the poem and is distracting the more i read it
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn good sounds
along as though alive, formations kept. way to bring the images alive. i don't know how i feel about 'kept' but maybe i'm being too critical
A sentimental person might have wept good rhythm. this line reads very well, even if crying over the bushes is a bit far fetched
on seeing vivid, growing life a pawn i get the rhyme but pawn (though evoking the metaphorical warfare of chess) steps away from the image quite far. it's like a metaphor of a metaphor.
to hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn good noun+verb combo here
in fusillades and volleys while I slept. thesaurus consultation happened here i'd say
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store good double meaning in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band small nit: isn't the pile of leaves more tidy than before? so is untidy the best word?
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar good continuation of war metaphor, like nature is at war with itself and we try to pick up the pieces
or death-proud colors; widow-trees must cope. while i love the idea of widow trees, fresh green growth makes me think of children, not husbands, but there isn't a word for a parent who has lost a child is there
thanks for the read
Thanks to this Forum
