08-11-2016, 03:28 AM
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn (crack of dawn" cliche)
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow (I don't think paramount is used correctly here. paramount=supreme "rays on supreme? Is that really what you want to say?)
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle (a receptacle tamed by dimness)
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?
host to the saint damp cavern? Do you mean "saint's"? Satan should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. To do otherwise is disruptive to the reading.
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance (is there a sentence here?)
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance (is "reinless" the correct word? Maybe "unbound"? And should it not be "concrete fluoresces"?)
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth (I think using "sub-cutaneous" throws the image off as it brings in unneeded connotations)
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom ("oneiric" is pretty obscure, of course dreamy doesn't really work either
)
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
This poem seems unfocused, as though the writer had a "seed" of an idea, but has not yet brought it to full bloom. I would say it needs better sentence structure, except there is none, so it needs sentence structure and correct punctuation so that the reader is clear about what the writer is saying.
Even though this is a fairly common theme, the application here is not cliche, but the functionality needs much improvement.
Best,
dale
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow (I don't think paramount is used correctly here. paramount=supreme "rays on supreme? Is that really what you want to say?)
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle (a receptacle tamed by dimness)
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?
host to the saint damp cavern? Do you mean "saint's"? Satan should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. To do otherwise is disruptive to the reading.
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance (is there a sentence here?)
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance (is "reinless" the correct word? Maybe "unbound"? And should it not be "concrete fluoresces"?)
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth (I think using "sub-cutaneous" throws the image off as it brings in unneeded connotations)
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom ("oneiric" is pretty obscure, of course dreamy doesn't really work either
)of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
This poem seems unfocused, as though the writer had a "seed" of an idea, but has not yet brought it to full bloom. I would say it needs better sentence structure, except there is none, so it needs sentence structure and correct punctuation so that the reader is clear about what the writer is saying.
Even though this is a fairly common theme, the application here is not cliche, but the functionality needs much improvement.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.