08-10-2016, 05:27 AM
Hi Shay! This is one piece where I would actually recommend dropping all punctuation. Right now, it's a little bit haphazardly punctuated, and that distracts me from the reading. I would also not worry about capitalizing the first word, unless you're deliberately trying to draw attention to the word "she" -- you don't continue caps in the rest of the piece, so I would just be consistent.
I would also think about making the lines shorter to really emphasize key words with your breaks that help the reader follow the seed narrative.
The title is necessary because it orients the reader, and I would have been pretty lost without it.
I like how you called the seed a she -- I found the anthropomorphism intriguing and engaging.
I like the sounds that your lines make, it's pleasing to read out loud. I don't know what most of them "mean," but maybe that's not a bad thing? I'm trying to decide if I think this piece is mysterious or obscure.
Anyway, I think it's ripe with good things
, and I look forward to reading any edits you do on it.
I would also think about making the lines shorter to really emphasize key words with your breaks that help the reader follow the seed narrative.
The title is necessary because it orients the reader, and I would have been pretty lost without it.
I like how you called the seed a she -- I found the anthropomorphism intriguing and engaging.
I like the sounds that your lines make, it's pleasing to read out loud. I don't know what most of them "mean," but maybe that's not a bad thing? I'm trying to decide if I think this piece is mysterious or obscure.
Anyway, I think it's ripe with good things
, and I look forward to reading any edits you do on it.