08-05-2016, 09:04 PM
*First edit/post*
To An Addict
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose? (well-constructed imagery/metaphor, very direct, which is good.)
Certainly enough times (repetition of times then later and is distracting/takes away from message)
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. (i like this, adds tension, intrigue, disturbing tone)
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad, (avoid use of really)
and (is this line/word needed? does it add to your message?)
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. (ending is rather abrupt, would enjoy further elucidation of idea/action of poem)
//
A stark and direct poem with rather general, cliched ideas, however with
further reading an appreciation of story begins to work its way into consideration.
Personally, I would revise the repetitive nature of some words/images and
reconsider one or two structural/syntactical compositions. The cacophony and
auditory allusions lend themselves very well to the conceptual content as do
the personal direct pronouns.
Hope you find this helpful,
Poet-rice
To An Addict
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose? (well-constructed imagery/metaphor, very direct, which is good.)
Certainly enough times (repetition of times then later and is distracting/takes away from message)
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. (i like this, adds tension, intrigue, disturbing tone)
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad, (avoid use of really)
and (is this line/word needed? does it add to your message?)
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. (ending is rather abrupt, would enjoy further elucidation of idea/action of poem)
//
A stark and direct poem with rather general, cliched ideas, however with
further reading an appreciation of story begins to work its way into consideration.
Personally, I would revise the repetitive nature of some words/images and
reconsider one or two structural/syntactical compositions. The cacophony and
auditory allusions lend themselves very well to the conceptual content as do
the personal direct pronouns.
Hope you find this helpful,
Poet-rice