08-04-2016, 07:36 AM
Being a fan of short poetry this appeals to me, however I have two nits- the second line reads as a cliche and the introduction of echo in the last line throws me off. I'll try and explain — I love the opening line and tone, I can picture it quite readily- the second line, I've heard a thousand times and I think you can rework it to be stronger. I like the question being asked in the third line but then the final line introduces the concept of echo, is this really the word you're looking for, to me it doesn't work (maybe I'm dense :
An echo of what, the soul? How does a soul sound? I think the word breeze would work better in the final line instead of echo to portray the emptiness.
Overall I enjoyed the concept and tone and think it's a solid piece of writing.
An echo of what, the soul? How does a soul sound? I think the word breeze would work better in the final line instead of echo to portray the emptiness.Overall I enjoyed the concept and tone and think it's a solid piece of writing.