lifespan (EDIT 1) lifesize

[Lizzie]

EDIT 1 

lifesize

before -- interesting to begin before existence. I like it. Or, is it just before the pregnancy test? Either way, I like.
pregnancy test
egg sperm balloon
cell division body motion
dilation bevel headed first light
empty belly to bloat lung screaming -- can you do bloated here? It would read better to me.
devouring breast rice grilled cheese bag lunch -- the sonics of moving from breast to rice is awkward. I have to really work my lips to say that properly.
schoolhouse ranks and rankings bloody noses and kisses -- I like the ranks and rankings, that's evocative
eighteen pretending these words and days adult body growing
monkey hanging from buildings over yellow night roads mocking death -- your best line, in the most prominent spot
conceiving children from tooth red skin tattoos at bruise green thirty
body gravity back shrinking lower legs and arms bent forward
chasing the children raw brain tired past sun logic
into a mirror these children growing taller older
my wife and I an empty house
slow down sex and smaller older 
alone again and littler grayer 
worry evaporating night dew
we hold hands -- like these last three lines
going blind
until




even before birth
we begin to grow
cells inflate a moving body
empty belly to inflated lungs crying
so many meals leads to playground speak
opinions tested as longer lung inflated air heats
18 pretending so many words are adult body growing
monkey hanging from buildings over yellow night roads taunting death
conceived children from tooth sweat red markings at bruise green 30
from here the body starts to shrink back into itself
chase the children raw brain tired past sun logic
into a mirror these children growing taller older
my wife and I an empty house
alone again a little grayer smaller
sex still good but older
worry evaporating night dew
we hold hands
going blind
until

Ok, so. I think the revision is better, you're going in the right direction. Actually, you're there. A few tweaks here and there.

I have two quibbles:

1. You haven't shown me anything new except the format. Nothing in here surprises me or thwarts my expectations. It's a factual description of growing and aging. Not everything has to have layered meanings or deep metaphorical interpretations -- I've written things that didn't have that myself. So, not so much a criticism as an observation that there's room for more depth if you want that.

2. Life peaks at 18. What the hell man!!   This is more of a jest, but it's kind of depressing that everything from 18 is downhill. The less reality I have to confront in poetry the better.

Good work.

lizziep