07-22-2016, 11:09 PM
(07-19-2016, 05:06 PM)kolemath Wrote: even before birth
we begin to grow
cells inflate a moving body
empty belly to inflated lungs crying
so many meals leads to playground speak
opinions tested as longer lung inflated air heats
18 pretending so many words are adult body growing
monkey hanging from buildings over yellow night roads taunting death
conceived children from tooth sweat red markings at bruise green 30
from here the body starts to shrink back into itself
chase the children raw brain tired past sun logic
into a mirror these children growing taller older
my wife and I an empty house
alone again a little grayer smaller
sex still good but older
worry evaporating night dew
we hold hands
going blind
until
This is excellent. Visual and something to which I can relate. You might consider replacing "inflate" from the "cells" and perhaps use "create" "ignite" or "precurse"
I think it would be OK to say "in an empty house" or "with empty house"
Maybe "monkeys hanging from heights" ? And perhaps "dark roads" ?