Fifty Shades of Grey Mice

[Todd]

Hey Kole, Thank you for the time you spent with this one. I'll address your comments below.

Hey, Todd.  I must admit some trouble with this one.  I see the nursery rhyme connection of running blindfolded and the knife cutting off mice tails in the end, but I guess my trouble is with the farmer's wife, (if this is remotely close to the poem's intended meaning).  I didn't read the S&M novel either, so maybe that's my trouble.  I like the lines by themselves, but I'm still reaching or a unified theme to connect them.--Well if it's any consolation, I didn't read the S&M novel either. Thanks for letting me know where you were having trouble.

--Three blind mice, three blind mice


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. great biblical allusion. it makes sense for a farmer's wife wanting to kill squeeking mice too--I'm going for a bit of a mashup between the nursery rhyme and 50 shades. So hopefully it works for the farmers wife as farmers wife and dominatrix (I realize I've reversed the sexes but whatever). 
In the beginning, she used bats i like leanne's idea about the beginning in the beginning; this fits with the biblical reference too--I hadn't been even thinking about it as a biblical reference probably a subconscious thing.
but found they saw better without eyes. here's my first issue with connecting the meaning of sentences; by itself, this is an interesting line, but how do bats connect to hunting mice? is there a character allusion/connection i'm missing--Yes it's an allusion thing your not familiar with. I'm trying something new with my critique response here as I normally hate to explain anything in a workshop--as I won't know if people truly see what's in the poem, or if I accidently added it through my explanation. So, bats have something to do with either three blind mice or 50 shades, but they don't actually hunt the mice.
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze a row as a maze, interesting choice--Thanks
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. good imagery, i take this as mice running--Yes
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush good sonics brush/bush ambiguity, but i'm not sure i get enough speed for running mice in these lines--Interesting thought on adding a frantic sort of chasing scurrying feel to the lines.
against our skin. There was no red i like all the reference to red in these lines, which i take to be running from death--The break might be too gimmicky but yes running from death and then the layered "red word" with the break.
word hovering over the waters from rows of roses to waters, how did the mice get here?--I can see now that that in the beginning was my subconscious. I'm back in genesis with the waters again (I honestly didn't think about why I wrote that but I can see now I was tying back in those earlier lines). Spirit hovering over the dark waters in creation). The red word being a sort of Logos. Okay I'm explaining--sorry breaking my own rules.
that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife. How can the biblical allusions come back in here? they seem abandoned after the first two sentences; god banishing from paradise?--Actually I did add a biblical allusion in the last line, but it may be out of place and hard to spot. It could also be badly done.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

thanks for sharing todd. this critique took a few readings on my part. i'm hope i'm not out here in left field.--No you seemed to track fine. The problem is the poem is a very early draft and needs to be developed.

I do appreciate the comments.

Thanks,

Todd