07-20-2016, 01:37 PM
Hey, Kole, I liked this one quite a bit. The shape of the poem lends itself well to the theme. The idea of growing/expanding and then contracting kept at me today, so that is a good sign.
even before birth
we begin to grow – Would you consider starting the poem with one word to bookend how it concludes? And maybe zing those first lines a little. It sounds a bit too much like prose. Maybe something like blooming zygote/ we grow into birth (blooming zygote is so horrible, I know).
cells inflate a moving body – I like the sound of “cells inflate”
empty belly to inflated lungs crying – Did you mean to use inflate again? I like the “y” and “l” sounds here.
so many meals leads to playground speak – I had to think about this one a little bit. It interrupted my reading flow as my brain scanned for the connection between meals and playground speak. I think I got it though – many meals equals growing up equals developing language and socializing.
opinions tested as longer lung inflated air heats – I love the way the words sound. – I see inflating is a theme now. I am unsure about “longer lung inflated air heats”. I have a friend who is a master of abstract poetry, and that is what first sprang to mind when I read that phrase. The sounds are lovely, but the meaning eludes me.
18 pretending so many words are adult body growing – The sonic connection between “words” and “growing” is my favorite part of this line.
monkey hanging from buildings over yellow night roads taunting death – Oh, man. Nice imagery. Maybe something other than “taunting” death?
conceived children from tooth sweat red markings at bruise green 30 – “Tooth sweat” reminds me of the “sweaty-toothed mad man” line from Dead Poets
from here the body starts to shrink back into itself – There is a stark contrast with this line and the previous few lines. It reads more prose. Was that intentional?
chase the children raw brain tired past sun logic – I think this is my favorite line overall. “tired past sun logic” is so nice.
into a mirror these children growing taller older
my wife and I an empty house
alone again a little grayer smaller – nice sounds
sex still good but older
worry evaporating night dew – I like how you constructed this line
we hold hands
going blind
until – I like how it ends
Nice one! Hopefully, you find something helpful in those comments. Cheers!
even before birth
we begin to grow – Would you consider starting the poem with one word to bookend how it concludes? And maybe zing those first lines a little. It sounds a bit too much like prose. Maybe something like blooming zygote/ we grow into birth (blooming zygote is so horrible, I know).
cells inflate a moving body – I like the sound of “cells inflate”
empty belly to inflated lungs crying – Did you mean to use inflate again? I like the “y” and “l” sounds here.
so many meals leads to playground speak – I had to think about this one a little bit. It interrupted my reading flow as my brain scanned for the connection between meals and playground speak. I think I got it though – many meals equals growing up equals developing language and socializing.
opinions tested as longer lung inflated air heats – I love the way the words sound. – I see inflating is a theme now. I am unsure about “longer lung inflated air heats”. I have a friend who is a master of abstract poetry, and that is what first sprang to mind when I read that phrase. The sounds are lovely, but the meaning eludes me.
18 pretending so many words are adult body growing – The sonic connection between “words” and “growing” is my favorite part of this line.
monkey hanging from buildings over yellow night roads taunting death – Oh, man. Nice imagery. Maybe something other than “taunting” death?
conceived children from tooth sweat red markings at bruise green 30 – “Tooth sweat” reminds me of the “sweaty-toothed mad man” line from Dead Poets
from here the body starts to shrink back into itself – There is a stark contrast with this line and the previous few lines. It reads more prose. Was that intentional?
chase the children raw brain tired past sun logic – I think this is my favorite line overall. “tired past sun logic” is so nice.
into a mirror these children growing taller older
my wife and I an empty house
alone again a little grayer smaller – nice sounds
sex still good but older
worry evaporating night dew – I like how you constructed this line
we hold hands
going blind
until – I like how it ends
Nice one! Hopefully, you find something helpful in those comments. Cheers!