Hailstorm - edit3

[dukealien]

the variations sarkozy:-

After lunch I took a rake and swept
the young, clipped leaves off my lawn,
some still clung to branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept,
(I think the above has fewer filler words)

through fusillades and volleys while I slept
of hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn -
like the cold fire falling angels wept
fading from the light and falling on.
(OKAY, prolly a bit overdone)

At the risk (and it is a serious risk) of being defensive and excusing failings rather than trying to amend them...

Yes, every word should be the right word and the best word; when this is accomplished, there will be no filler regardless of form; every word will fit like the varied stones of Machu Picchu which seemingly by chance form walls of even height, thickness, and batter.

What I suggest is that some rhythmic, sounding "filler" sets a mood as well as filling space; form has a purpose.  If the sky were all lightning, who could watch?  It would be nothing but a bright, snarling sky, continuous bombast. "Filler" may even relax the reader a bit, setting him up for the next shock or strike.

So, not to disregard your excellent, well-meant critique or the rewrite, and not to claim that I'm anywhere near that ideal, but I'm sticking to the form and trying to winkle out the very best that can be done with those last five syllables (four, really).  They're out there.