07-18-2016, 12:13 PM
Ok, moving through the very intimidating task of critiquing someone of your experience, and I’ll try to just focus on the poem. My very first reaction, as one who has dealt with addiction, is that it sounds very much like a successfully recovering addict talking to an active addict. While there is some understanding of where the person is at, there is not tolerance for the excuses and bs that an addict will get into. I think once you have gone through it yourself, you understand that compassion is just an avenue for exploitation. A firm, honest hand is what is needed. So, that is what I read into it.
The poem itself is obviously purposefully stark and simple. I found the beginning read a lot like a journal entry. There is intimacy there, but lacked the elements I am usually drawn to in poetry. The meter and sonic devices are, of course, fantastic. Lines like “no, you have no control” are brilliant examples of assonance. But, I found I wanted to have more imagery, more…I don’t know what…something that compels me to care. I think that perhaps you did too good a job at conveying the exhaustion of loved ones who deal with addicts.: the sense of just get it over already. And that is a bit like how I felt reading this. I don’t mean that in an unkind way, I just think you infused it so well with apathy. Incidentally, I read the 2 poems you linked to in an early response. They were fantastic. Some thoughts on lines below:
To An Addict
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you – Perhaps starting with “No!” will inject some anger and energy into the piece?
in your self-induced misery: What if instead of “self-induced” you used something less common, like “self–injected” to further push the drug use imagery?
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. I admit it. I laughed when I read that. Cannibals…love it.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and
no, you have no control. This sentence sounds so tired and weary.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do. – A spark of anger is in this sentence. I wouldn’t mind if you fanned it a little.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. – Brutally true. It would be nice to read something other than the expected “death claims you” phrase. Death can get you in a lot of ways; it would be interesting if you used a phrase that contrasted sharply with “relief”. You know, something violent or sharp. I think most of my suggestions are just stylistic which comes down to a matter of taste. Technically, your writing is pretty outstanding. I’ll go cower in the corner reserved for closet Romantics.
The poem itself is obviously purposefully stark and simple. I found the beginning read a lot like a journal entry. There is intimacy there, but lacked the elements I am usually drawn to in poetry. The meter and sonic devices are, of course, fantastic. Lines like “no, you have no control” are brilliant examples of assonance. But, I found I wanted to have more imagery, more…I don’t know what…something that compels me to care. I think that perhaps you did too good a job at conveying the exhaustion of loved ones who deal with addicts.: the sense of just get it over already. And that is a bit like how I felt reading this. I don’t mean that in an unkind way, I just think you infused it so well with apathy. Incidentally, I read the 2 poems you linked to in an early response. They were fantastic. Some thoughts on lines below:
To An Addict
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you – Perhaps starting with “No!” will inject some anger and energy into the piece?
in your self-induced misery: What if instead of “self-induced” you used something less common, like “self–injected” to further push the drug use imagery?
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. I admit it. I laughed when I read that. Cannibals…love it.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and
no, you have no control. This sentence sounds so tired and weary.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do. – A spark of anger is in this sentence. I wouldn’t mind if you fanned it a little.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. – Brutally true. It would be nice to read something other than the expected “death claims you” phrase. Death can get you in a lot of ways; it would be interesting if you used a phrase that contrasted sharply with “relief”. You know, something violent or sharp. I think most of my suggestions are just stylistic which comes down to a matter of taste. Technically, your writing is pretty outstanding. I’ll go cower in the corner reserved for closet Romantics.