07-16-2016, 01:58 PM
Hello,
I'm new here and new to critiquing, so please bear with me. I felt that I read and absolutely understood what you were getting at with this - and that might be the problem. It's so blunt and stark that it's impossible not to understand exactly what the intention is. I want some nuance, some ambiguity, maybe a little metaphor. As a reader, I want to be gently lead to the conclusion, this feels a little more like being hit over the head with it. But if your intention was to be clear and unequivocal - you nailed it! Cheers.
I'm new here and new to critiquing, so please bear with me. I felt that I read and absolutely understood what you were getting at with this - and that might be the problem. It's so blunt and stark that it's impossible not to understand exactly what the intention is. I want some nuance, some ambiguity, maybe a little metaphor. As a reader, I want to be gently lead to the conclusion, this feels a little more like being hit over the head with it. But if your intention was to be clear and unequivocal - you nailed it! Cheers.