07-16-2016, 05:04 AM
hello dale, me old boy,
as this is in novice i think i can get away with giving only a few suggestions and not a line by line.
firstly, the title leads me to believe the poem is going to be ambiguously about addiction itself, yet the poem seems exclusively to be about drug addiction, or at least the superficial addictions. and as i suspect you have no intention of making the poem a more subtle and layered meditation on the nature of addiction i would suggest a title change.
also, and i may be missing some irony, apart from the 'a necklace large enough to supply a large tribe of cannibals' line[s] --the 'large' repetition is awful--, this has absolutely no artistic merit. remove those lines, add maybe one or two conjunctives, remove the line breaks, and you have a very cliche agony aunt extract.
oh, and while you're here, you posted 'Terminally Unique' in a critical forum, so i couldn't say there, but really fun poem. made me smile. cheers!
as this is in novice i think i can get away with giving only a few suggestions and not a line by line.
firstly, the title leads me to believe the poem is going to be ambiguously about addiction itself, yet the poem seems exclusively to be about drug addiction, or at least the superficial addictions. and as i suspect you have no intention of making the poem a more subtle and layered meditation on the nature of addiction i would suggest a title change.
also, and i may be missing some irony, apart from the 'a necklace large enough to supply a large tribe of cannibals' line[s] --the 'large' repetition is awful--, this has absolutely no artistic merit. remove those lines, add maybe one or two conjunctives, remove the line breaks, and you have a very cliche agony aunt extract.
oh, and while you're here, you posted 'Terminally Unique' in a critical forum, so i couldn't say there, but really fun poem. made me smile. cheers!