07-13-2016, 01:10 AM
hello,
firstly, before i start, i just want to say i think this is really good. you have taken an idea that could possibly be quite boring and predictable and made it interesting and unique. i mean, we've all heard of insecurity posing as confidence [seriously, if you could sell that shit, i'd be making bank!], but you manage to express this idea without cliche. . . almost.
ok, so firstly, the title is useless. one cliche is bad enough but adding a second in parenthesis is 'oh dear'. especially when the poem itself is relatively cliche-free [from what i remember].
in sum, i think what i would do, is radically cut everything that explicitly states the negative. for example, 'a queen of self-hatred'--cut. 'masked anxiety'--cut. etc. and try to express this idea more subtly, like you did in the first stanza. make the play between confidence and insecurity more ambiguous. oh also, maybe try it out in the 3rd person. an ironic poem about supperficiality in the first person sounds just a tad pop.
anyway, i enjoyed it. thanks.
firstly, before i start, i just want to say i think this is really good. you have taken an idea that could possibly be quite boring and predictable and made it interesting and unique. i mean, we've all heard of insecurity posing as confidence [seriously, if you could sell that shit, i'd be making bank!], but you manage to express this idea without cliche. . . almost.
ok, so firstly, the title is useless. one cliche is bad enough but adding a second in parenthesis is 'oh dear'. especially when the poem itself is relatively cliche-free [from what i remember].
(07-12-2016, 05:48 PM)SnarlingThroughOurSmiles Wrote: Look at me! I’m the queen of everything! -- i have to say, i love hyperbole. i also love a well-placed exclamation mark. they are not used nearly enough! this line sets up our expectations that will be confounded later. i would remove the 'look at me!' though.
(And the queen of nothing inside) -- this is a bit on the nose. it shows a lack of trust in the reader to follow the more subtle implications; which in turn shows a lack of self-confidence in your own ability to give a subtle message
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide. -- this is a great use of paradox [hiding by revealing--very nietschean]. it hints at what the previous line expressed explicitly. and shows that you can do it, so be confident.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots, -- i wish i had written this line. it is very good.
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder. -- i think 'because' would be better. also, why bother with the line breaking at that point? regardless, again, a great idea expressed beautifully. [just had an after thought, this is fucking reallly good
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider,
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight. -- i didn't like the 'fucking delight' at first. still not entirely sure about it. i do swear in my own poems, but even with my own stuff it bothers me. i would also cut down on the 'I's.
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside, -- again, on the nose. you have already shown a good deal of 'the mess inside' we need not be told.
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside. -- ditto.
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick, -- 'i'm as sharp as my eyeliner' another one i wish i'd written. really good.
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back? -- a lot of this stanza feels like filler. i think this idea can be expressed far more concisely.
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream, -- again, a bit tellish. . .? telly. . .? i don't know. it tells too much is what i'm saying
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen.
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene. -- yeah, this last stanza is explaining everything [not in a good way]. i like 'the conterfeit scene' as a phrase. but the rest could be jettisoned.
in sum, i think what i would do, is radically cut everything that explicitly states the negative. for example, 'a queen of self-hatred'--cut. 'masked anxiety'--cut. etc. and try to express this idea more subtly, like you did in the first stanza. make the play between confidence and insecurity more ambiguous. oh also, maybe try it out in the 3rd person. an ironic poem about supperficiality in the first person sounds just a tad pop.
anyway, i enjoyed it. thanks.