The Bush

[LunaDeLore]

THE BUSH

Shoot the bow
and chase after
the arrow up
the hill and down ---------- this is a turn off; too much like up one side and down the other
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands --  "your flower" doesn't make anything better, women are too often referred to as flowers

I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire. ----- as a reader I need something more intense like I hear her conspiring nuance
Remember, I can hear everything,   ------------- your attempting to invoke paranoia but it doesn't really work; it's just to plain
even what dreams may flower in the night. ------ "flower" is becoming redundant here...dreams are the product minds unleashed
She said she would not cut the skin,  ------ why not cut through skin or slice a vein
she would not appear before you red
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed.
And so I will show her bloodshed. ------ this line doesn't really need "and so" using one or the other is better here

But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet ------- walking the "right path" again, is something we see often
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses: These next few lines are probably my favorite
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones,
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,

right next to where the lion 
should become a home for honey,
but far before the land where the lamb   ----- when reading out loud, land and lamb nearly drown one another out
should return to the snows of the temple.


Now don't weep. You won't    -------- the transition between the previous strophe and this one isn't good. As a reader I find myself wonder how I got here
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough.

There's so much cliche in the first two strophes it's hard to appreciate where your going with the following three. As a reader I need something to draw me in and prepare for what's to come. Furthermore, S4 doesn't fuse well with S5 for me; I think omitting "don't weep" would work better. You have something to work with here and with some revision you'll have a great poem, really.

Good work.

Luna