The Watch Man -- version 1.1

[LunaDeLore]

You are the Watch Man
  —synchronized—
     on time,
     in rhyme,
     clock chime.  ------- I really like this strophe...

Your ideas are precise
     and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.

Your t's are always perfect,
     a package intact,
     like little perfect crosses.

Your baptism beliefs  ------ This strophe is where the over keel slips in...
  —so streamlined—
     are written clean ----------Written in decisive cursive would be enough for me, the reader.
     in decisive cursive—
     one sided, double spaced
     on a ruled yellow legal pad—    -------All legal pads are ruled so in describing the pad "yellow " would be enough
     then filed neat in gray cabinets,
     in beige manila envelopes,    -------- Dropping beige here may give the reader a clearer image... I don't need anymore than "manila envelopes"
     sealed with lined, white labels. ------ This line works well for me as it is.

You are a compactor, -------------------This strophe works for me; no nits.
     feeding yourself archaic decay
     that you force into cubes
     with magnificent effort,
     bending rust
     into sharpened edges.

Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you, ----- This last strophe doesn't work for me, reading I need something more like: oh, dad, To you I am a sin the foul stench.....
     the foul stench
     of curved flesh
     in your solid, metal cubes—
     the i missing its dot.   --------- For whatever reason, the ending doesn't feel like an ending. It almost feels as if the writer said " okay, I'm stopping here" without giving the reader a close, really.

(Slight edits in response to feedback, 7/1/16.)

Lizz,

I like this poem's form; it's certainly a good piece but I truly believe you went overboard in S4. There's just too much descriptive there. I'd also like to see a bit of work on final strophe as well. I think you'd do the work justice by smoothing out L1 of S6 and accomplishing a greater sense of finality for the reader(s) in that strophe. The content itself is good and there doesn't seem to be any problems with you choice of punctuation. Again, I like this poem.

Good work.

Luna