07-01-2016, 11:58 PM
S1 is great. I love, love, love, 'the clock chime'. It's so....apt. My poor old pa is also a Watch man.
And this is brilliant:
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
There are so many other things to like....from the cursive writing to the 't's like crosses, to the beige manila envelopes....great visualisation.
Overall, a gem. I don't see a major need for tweaking. It's lovely as it is.
EDIT: some other reasons why I love this piece:
1. The slant rhyme stench / flesh is just perfect where you've used it. It's @#$#$#@@$# haunting.
2. Consistency of the watchman image - developed perfectly right up to the denouement in the end. Leanne expressed it so well.
And this is brilliant:
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
There are so many other things to like....from the cursive writing to the 't's like crosses, to the beige manila envelopes....great visualisation.
Overall, a gem. I don't see a major need for tweaking. It's lovely as it is.
EDIT: some other reasons why I love this piece:
1. The slant rhyme stench / flesh is just perfect where you've used it. It's @#$#$#@@$# haunting.
2. Consistency of the watchman image - developed perfectly right up to the denouement in the end. Leanne expressed it so well.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe