07-01-2016, 02:48 AM
Hi Duke,
I like the image and the sentiment portrayed here. My first reaction was to laugh, I don't know if that was your intention but there is a dry comedy element to it. It doesn't however feel like a poem as such, it could be written as one sentence and it would work as prose.
I also noticed that there is a 5-7-5 structure and although it may be a pure coincidence I'm presuming it is intentional in terms of writing a haiku or senryu which makes it harder to suggest any kind of edit as such.
It may be awkward to incorporate but perhaps the term 'deliverers' instead of 'those who drop them off'. It's probably too obvious that I'm going for the wordplay in deliverer being a saviour of a kind. Perhaps a bit much???
Thanks for the read,
Mark
I like the image and the sentiment portrayed here. My first reaction was to laugh, I don't know if that was your intention but there is a dry comedy element to it. It doesn't however feel like a poem as such, it could be written as one sentence and it would work as prose.
I also noticed that there is a 5-7-5 structure and although it may be a pure coincidence I'm presuming it is intentional in terms of writing a haiku or senryu which makes it harder to suggest any kind of edit as such.
It may be awkward to incorporate but perhaps the term 'deliverers' instead of 'those who drop them off'. It's probably too obvious that I'm going for the wordplay in deliverer being a saviour of a kind. Perhaps a bit much???
Thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie