06-26-2016, 12:25 PM
Thanks Mike,
Yes as you point out needs some trimming (not sure about removing the first two stanzas though), your other points are well made. The first two stanzas are a bit of a laundry list it's true, but I think it set up the reality of the rest. I will look at doing some judicious trimming, but it was never meant to be more than what it is. This uses a cadence rather than a meter, but that does kind of goes flat here and there as you noticed.
Thanks for the critique, will use it in the rewrite.
dale
Yes as you point out needs some trimming (not sure about removing the first two stanzas though), your other points are well made. The first two stanzas are a bit of a laundry list it's true, but I think it set up the reality of the rest. I will look at doing some judicious trimming, but it was never meant to be more than what it is. This uses a cadence rather than a meter, but that does kind of goes flat here and there as you noticed.
Thanks for the critique, will use it in the rewrite.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.