06-26-2016, 08:07 AM
dale, you are a modest fucker indeed. your advice is second to none.
the exaggerated hyperbole is not something significant and i generally try not to do that. don't know why i did here. and a thousand or maybe even a hundred is far better.
the punctuation in s2 is a problem. will think on. but must confess, don't see why the 'an' is necessary in this instance.
oh damn, you might be right about 'dripping'. however, dripping sounds as sexual as needs be. as in 'her cunt was dripping wet'. . . dripping in any other instance is weak, but here, in this context, it is quite sloppy, no?
threesome, trinity... golden shower. . . etc etc. layer layer, blah blah. not sure now, though.
it could be the same toilet. and the writer, moi, would have absolutely no problem with the reader for drawing this conclusion.
thanks dale. and good to see you around, too.
the exaggerated hyperbole is not something significant and i generally try not to do that. don't know why i did here. and a thousand or maybe even a hundred is far better.
the punctuation in s2 is a problem. will think on. but must confess, don't see why the 'an' is necessary in this instance.
oh damn, you might be right about 'dripping'. however, dripping sounds as sexual as needs be. as in 'her cunt was dripping wet'. . . dripping in any other instance is weak, but here, in this context, it is quite sloppy, no?
threesome, trinity... golden shower. . . etc etc. layer layer, blah blah. not sure now, though.
it could be the same toilet. and the writer, moi, would have absolutely no problem with the reader for drawing this conclusion.
thanks dale. and good to see you around, too.
(06-26-2016, 07:36 AM)Erthona Wrote: The exaggerated hyperbole at the start is disruptive to the poem as it produces only incredulity and causes the reader to pause, which is never a good thing. Maybe drop it down to A thousand instead. Keeps a person from getting stuck on "how can anyone see something "a million times. More than that, a million more..."
"I've seen that toilet seat a thousand times; pink painted round its hole."
Does that really change the meaning in a significant way. If it does for you, it is not clear, or I am dense. 50/50
The punctuation in S2 is a little rough. need an "an" after "and" in S1 L5.
The idea of something "dripping out our sloppy toilet love." seems a bit nonsensical. Overflows, sloshes, etc., yes, but drips? Possibly dripping over the toilet if you are referring to the puke.
"gold and trinity" I have no idea. Individually I understand these two words, but they make no sense to me when combined. I suppose trinity could be an oblique reference to the Christian god.
Oh yes, I wanted to ask, when the speaker says "dripping out our sloppy toilet love" is this the same toilet that was referred to above. I think the writer would have to forgive the reader for drawing that conclusion.
Good to see you around, sorry I could not really offer much in the way of decent criticism.
dale